


Of Vengeance and Archdemons: A Tribute

by Prongsys_Girl



Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Romance, Skillet Music, Songfic, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 22:11:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3427418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prongsys_Girl/pseuds/Prongsys_Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where moments define lifetimes, the destinies of four heroes and two worlds will be decided. Cousland/Alistair and F!Hawke/Anders. Tribute to Skillet. Major Spoilers for both games!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Knight

**Author's Note:**

> The chapters are inspired by the music of Skillet, which works well with the story line. I'll post the link to the song on youtube at the beginning of each chapter. Some chapters, like this one, have more in-game dialogue than others, I apologize if that annoys you, but they are not all like that. Enjoy!
> 
> www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_imfiEI4Lk

  **(1) First Knight: One Day Too Late**

               Kalirosa Cousland walked across camp toward the fire, still chuckling under her breath. Sandal was, quite possibly, the most adorable dwarf she had ever met. As she approached the fire, however, she saw Alistair kneeling beside it. He was lounging, arm draped across his knee, gazing longingly into the flames and she couldn’t help but wonder what thoughts could have entranced him so. He looked beautiful there – his armor throwing the light from the fire all across the campsite. She thought about stopping to talk to him, but he looked so content in his thoughts that she let him be and crossed to her tent. But no sooner had she reached for the flap when she heard his voice behind her.

                “Kali!” She turned and watched him cross the campsite, meeting him halfway. “All right, I guess I really don’t know how to ask you this.” Kalirosa looked up at him, his nervousness etched on his face like a mask.

_Tick tock, hear the clock countdown_

_Wish the minute hand could be rewound_

_So much to do and so much I need to say_

_Will tomorrow be too late?_

                “Are you sweating?” She asked, poking him with her words as she watched him fall all over himself. She loved his shy type of romance – she always had.

                “No. I mean, yes. I mean…” He was falling all over himself and she couldn’t help but giggle. “I’m a little nervous, sure. Not that this is anything bad or frightening or… well, yes. Oh, how do I say this? You’d think it would be easier, but every time I’m around you, I feel as if like my head’s about to explode. I-I can’t think straight.” He was talking incredibly quickly, like he always did when he hadn’t thought through his words very well, but Kalirosa didn’t mind so much – she loved the sound of his voice, and she couldn’t help but poke him one more time.

_Feel the moment slip into the past_

_Like sand through the hour glass_

_In the madness, I guess, I just forget_

_To do all the things I said_

                “Oh? Thanks a lot.” She hoped he could see that she was still smiling.

                “Oh! I don’t mean it like that. I mean… All right, let me start over.” She wondered if he was getting ready to get it together and she fought the urge to run her hands through his blonde hair as he did so himself. He took another step closer and she looked up to meet his gaze. “Here’s the thing: being near you makes me crazy, but I can’t imagine being without you. Not ever.” The smile on Kalirosa’s face began to vanish as she realized the sincerity of Alistair’s statement. “I don’t know how to say this another way. I want to spend the night with you. Here, in the camp. Maybe this is too fast, I don’t know, but… I know what I feel.” Kalirosa was awestruck. She wanted to spend the night with him – she had for some time, but she had been afraid to approach the issue because of his background. She didn’t think he’d want her that way.

_Time passes by, never thought I’d wind up_

_One step behind, now I’ve made my mind up._

                “You want to spend the night? Are you sure?” She asked, fearing that he’d change his mind, but he didn’t seem to hesitate in the slightest.

                “I wanted to wait for the perfect time, the perfect place… but when will it be perfect? If things were, we wouldn’t even have met. We sort of… stumbled into each other, and despite this being the least perfect time, I still found myself falling for you in between all the fighting and everything else.” His words grew bolder as he continued and Kalirosa found herself drawn in by his confidence. “I really don’t want to wait anymore. I’ve… I’ve never done this before. You know that. I want it to be with you… while we have the chance. In case…”

_Today, I’m gonna try a little harder_

_Gonna make every minute last longer_

_Gonna learn to forgive and forget_

_‘Cause we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it._

_Today I’m gonna love my enemies_

_Reach out to somebody who needs me_

_Make a change, make the world a better place_

_‘Cause tomorrow could be one day too late_

_One day too late, one day too late._

                “Don’t talk like that. There will always be time later.” Kalirosa said, She couldn’t bear the thought of losing him for any reason, and despite the fact that she knew it was something that had to be acknowledged, she refused to – not tonight.

                “Will there? You don’t know that. I don’t know that. I’d like to be able to say that I threw caution to the wind at least once.”

_Tick, tock, hear my life pass by_

_I can’t erase and I can’t rewind_

_Of all the things I regret the most I do_

_Wish I’d spent more time with you._

                “Very well,” She replied, taking another step closer to him as he looked down into her eyes. She couldn’t look away from him – she could hardly even speak when her gaze met that of her fellow Grey Warden. “If that’s what you really want…”

                “I think so. I hope so.” He still looked nervous and unsure, but when he pulled her into his arms and into his kiss, Kalirosa wasn’t unsure anymore. She knew that this was what she wanted – what she’d always wanted.

_Here’s my chance for a new beginning_

_I saved the best for a better ending_

_In the end I’ll make it up to you_

_You’ll see, you’ll get the very best of me._

He pulled her up into his arms and she wrapped her legs around his waist as he started walking backwards toward the tent. She loved that he could hold her like that – like she weighted nothing. She was gasping into his kisses as he dropped to his knees and laid her down on her bedspread. She looked up into his gaze, smiling when she saw his shyness.

_Time passes by, never thought I’d wind up_

_One step behind, now I’ve made my mind up_

“I love you, Kali. I love you so much.,” Alistair whispered, “but I feel so awkward holding you.”

“Why?” She asked, running her hands through his hair as she loosened the straps holding on his chest piece.

“You’re delicate and beautiful and perfect and I’ve never held anything like you. Those aren’t exactly words one can use to describe templars and darkspawn. Well, maybe I can think of one that describes all three.” He smiled then and Kalirosa cocked her head and stared at him. “Deadly.” They laughed until the awkwardness was gone and he wrapped his arms around her. She kissed him until all their armor was gone along with the all unpleasant things – darkspawn, Grey Wardens, demons, abominations and wild witches were nothing but fairy tales. Kali was sure that she and her lover were the only real things in the whole world.

_…_

_Today, I’m gonna try a little harder_

_Gonna make every minute last longer_

_Gonna learn to forgive and forget_

_‘Cause we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it._

_Today I’m gonna love my enemies_

_Reach out to somebody who needs me_

_Make a change, make the world a better place_

_‘Cause tomorrow could be one day too late_

_One day too late, one day too late._

…

                “Hmm… you know,” Kalirosa looked up at Alistair as they crossed back to the central fire. The others were still in bed – and she could only hope that their exploits had gone unheard. “According to all the sisters at the monastery, I should have been struck by lightning by now.”

                “That so?” Kalirosa replied, laughing aloud with him.

                “Yep. Lightning first and then the end of civilization as we know it. I’m a bad, bad man.” He reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear. “You do realize that rest of our little party is going to talk, right? They do that.”

                “Why? Are you going to tell them?”

                “I won’t have to. Morrigan will give me ‘that look’, I just know it. You should really kick her ass for me. I would pay to watch that fight.” She giggled and hit him lightly on the shoulder – he could probably only barely feel it though his armor. “So… what now? Where do we go from here?”

_Our time is running out_

_You’re never gonna get it back_

_So make the most of every moment_

_Stop saving your best for last_

                “We stay together, no matter what.”

                “Right. I can handle that. I hope.” He smiled and pulled her close again, wrapped his arms around her waist. “Before we go, have I told you that I love you? I did? Well, it won’t kill you to hear it again, will it?”

                “I love you too.”

                “See? Was that so hard?” He pulled her into his arms again and together, they walked back to the tent until morning.

_Today, I’m gonna try a little harder_

_Gonna make every minute last longer_

_Gonna learn to forgive and forget_

_‘Cause we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it._

_Today I’m gonna love my enemies_

_Reach out to somebody who needs me_

_Make a change, make the world a better place_

_‘Cause tomorrow could be one day too late_

_One day too late, one day too late._


	2. Anything But Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Link:  
> www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGcsIdGOuZY

**(2) Hero: Anything but Alone**

Back in her room, the force of the Riordan’s words hit Kalirosa like a ton of bricks. There would really be a war tomorrow and everything would end – one way or another. Tomorrow would mark either the end of the blight or the end of the Wardens. It was the moment that would define the future of Thedas and she was so scared that she trembled with fear. She wanted to run from the castle as fast as her feet would carry her, but she knew she couldn’t do that.

_I’m just a step away_

_I’m just a breath away_

_Losing my faith today_

_Falling off the edge today_

Back in his room, try as he might to avoid it, Alistair’s mind kept wandering to the Warden sacrifice. Riordan would take the final blow, but what if he couldn’t? What if he died or wasn’t there? Then what? Would he lose his Kalirosa? In his mind, he retreated back to when he held her last – the feel of her skin and the fire in her eyes made him never want to let her go, but if it came down to it, who would take that blow? Would she let him be the one? More than anything, Alistair wanted a hero to save him from this nightmare.

_I am just a man_

_Not superhuman_

_I’m not superhuman_

_Someone save me from the hate_

With a sigh, Kalirosa dropped onto her bed. She couldn’t sleep because every time she closed her eyes she saw him – his easy smile and laughing eyes. It was her parents all over again, and Kali was faced with losing her family again. Alistair was her family now –her fiancé and her everything. For honor they fought to save the world, but the only thing in the world that she wanted to save was him.

_It’s just another war_

_Just another family torn_

_Falling from my faith today_

_Just a step from the edge_

_Just another day in the world we live_

“In war, victory. In peace, vigilance. In death, sacrifice.” Alistair whispered, his voice sounding weak even to his own ears. It had felt like such an honor to become a Grey Warden—to forsake the silence and duty of the Chantry. Now it felt like such a burden. All he wanted was Duncan and the others to be here, so he and Kali wouldn’t be faced with the possibility of death tomorrow.

_I need a hero to save me now_

_I need a hero, to save me now_

_I need a hero to save my life_

_A hero will save me just in time_

Though it hurt too much to even consider it, Kalirosa rose from her bed and stood with determination. She was a Grey Warden, and no matter what, she would give her all to save Ferelden. She would fight to ensure that no other little girls lost their families – even if she was forced to lose hers again. This – this fight – this war and this victory was about so much more than just her family.

_I’ve gotta fight today_

_To live another day_

_Speaking my mind today_

_My voice will be heard today_

_I’ve gotta make a stand_

_But I am just a man_

_I’m not superhuman_

_My voice will be heard today_

Alistair had never had a real family before, but for the first time since Duncan’s death, he realized that this was the best family he could ever have. His Kali and their love was all the love that a family would need and when they lived through this he would marry her and never let her go again as long as they lived. He loved her too much to lose her, but he also knew that he couldn’t live in a world consumed by the blight. He was a king now – she was his queen – and together, they would prepare for oblivion – for the death of one or both. Rising from his bed, he bolted from the room, practically running to her.

_It’s just another war_

_Just another family torn_

_My voice will be heard today_

_It’s just another kill_

_The countdown begins to destroy ourselves_

No sooner had Kalirosa left her room when she saw him in the hallway running toward her. He had the same steely look in his eyes he’d had at the Landsmeet. They both knew what would happen tomorrow. They both wanted the same things – a chance at love and life and family. They wanted a hero.

_I need a hero to save me now_

_I need a hero, to save me now_

_I need a hero to save my life_

_A hero will save me just in time_

_I need a hero to save my life_

_I need a hero, just in time._

_Save me just in time_

_Save me just in time_

                “I love you.” Kalirosa whispered, her voice echoing in the massive corridor.

                “I love you.” His words sounded fevered and scared. “I’m not ready to leave you, Kali.”

                “I know. You’re my family now since… since I lost them all. I’m not ready to die.”

                “Me either.”

_Who’s gonna fight for what’s right?_

_Who’s gonna help us survive?_

_We’re in the fight of our lives_

_And we’re not ready to die_

                Alistair pulled his Kalirosa into his arms and the two embraced there in the royal quarters of the palace – holding each other like tomorrow would never come. And while both Wardens heard the words of the other, they both also knew that when the time came – the hero would be within each of them. Alistair knew that in the moment the archdemon needed to die, he would give his life for his queen and Kalirosa knew that she would be the hero that Ferelden needed and save not only the kingdom but also its king.

_Who’s gonna fight for the weak_

_Who’s gonna make ‘em believe?_

_I’ve got a hero, I’ve got hero_

_Living in me_

_I’m gonna fight for what’s right_

_Today I’m speaking my mind_

_And if it kills me tonight_

_I will be ready to die_

                Ferelden needed a hero and it had found it.

_A hero’s not afraid to give his life_

_A hero’s gonna save me just in time_

_I need a hero to save me now_

_I need a hero, save me now_

_I need a hero to save me life_

_A hero will save me just in time_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? No in-game dialogue.


	3. One Last Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little confusing maybe, this takes place immediately after the previous chapter. Link below:  
> www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0PMrV7derw

**(3) Don’t Wake Me: One Last Night**

                Out in the hall, Alistair pulled his Kali into his arms and kissed her. The battle and the chaos ahead all seemed meaningless compared to her and the urgency of their love. He held her by the waist, drawing her nearer to him.

                “Stay with me tonight.” He whispered between kisses. She was looking up at him through her eyelashes, her eyes glassy as if she might cry. “Don’t leave me tonight. I can’t ever be without you again, Kali.”

                “In the palace, Alistair?” She replied. He could see her timid smile as he swept her up into his arms and held her bridal style.

                “Why not? It’s my palace now.” He said, descending to kiss her again. She had never looked so delicate and beautiful as she did now – armor shed and held in his arms in her street clothes with her long brown hair cascading down her back. She was the picture of his queen, delicate but deadly – his lover and his best friend. Back in his quarters, Alistair set her down on his bed. Her hair was fanned out behind her and she was smiling up at him like an angel.

                “What is it, Ali?”

                “You’re perfect.” He whispered, leaning down over her and touching his lips to her forehead. “I can’t imagine my life without you.”

                “Then come hold me, Alistair. That’s all I want tonight.”

…

                Sometime before dawn, Alistair awoke, trembling. Beside him, Kalirosa was still asleep, her chest rising and falling in a slow cadence beneath the sheets. Lying there, in the cool darkness of the royal palace, Alistair wanted to sleep again, but he couldn’t bear the idea of closing his eyes and not seeing her. Things would never be the same if he wasn’t lying beside her for the rest of his life.

_I went to bed I was thinking about you_

_I ain’t the same since I’m living without you_

_All the memories are getting colder_

_All the things that I wanna do over_

                What would he do if he could go back and change everything? He used to think that he would be on the battlefield with Duncan, but now he knew that was not true. If he were to go back in time, he would have held her more – laughed with her more – he would have spent less time dreaming of her and more time lying with her like this. He looked down at her as she smiled a little in her sleep – she was beautiful and perfect and priceless and he would always love her – no matter what happened tomorrow.

_I went to bed I was thinking about you_

_I wanna talk and laugh like we used to_

_When I see you in my dreams at night_

_It’s so real but it’s in my mind_

_And now I guess this is as good as it gets_

                Lying there watching her sleep was like a dream – a dream Alistair never wanted to wake from and though he could see the first rays of dawn appearing on the horizon, he told himself over and over again that it was just the moon and that there were hours of night left before the battle.

_Don’t wake me ‘cause I don’t wanna leave this dream_

_Don’t wake me ‘cause I never seem to stay asleep enough_

_When it’s you I’m dreaming of I don’t wanna wake up_

                As the light grew brighter outside his window, Alistair remembered the first time they had lain together at camp. He had made a fool of himself when he asked her, but it had paid off. It had won him the hand and the heart of a beautiful girl who loved him as much as he loved her. All this time, Alistair had thought he was fighting to create a world that he and his love could live in but now – now it was all different.

_I went to bed I was thinking about you_

_And how it felt when I finally found you_

_It’s like a movie playing over in my head_

_Don’t wanna look ‘cause I know how it ends_

                He pulled her closer to him and she sighed in her sleep. In his arms she was safe and that was where she would stay. If he held her tight enough, things like darkspawn and wars would never come. She was safe and nothing bad would ever happen in this beautiful dream where he was holding her forever. In this moment – late at night like this—it was as if things like blights never happened. In this dream, they weren’t the fabled Grey Wardens – destined to save the world – they were an ordinary couple in love.

_All the words that I said that I wouldn’t say_

_All the promises I made that I wouldn’t break_

_It’s last call, last song, last dance ‘cause_

_I can’t get you back, can’t get a second chance_

_And now I guess this is as good as it gets_

                “Why?” His voice was hoarse; he could hear it in his whisper. He felt the lump rising in his throat as he watched her – forced to imagine a world without her in it. What if, tomorrow, they found out that this would be the last night they had together? He felt the hot tears on his cheeks, but he let them fall softly onto his pillow. “Why us?” He could hardly see for his tears, but he knew that the light was intruding further into their nighttime retreat and he could hear voices outside their room. The other residents of the castle were finally stirring and Alistair closed his eyes, unable to let himself wake from this dream.

_Don’t wake me we’re together just you and me_

_Don’t wake me ‘cause we’re happy like used to be_

_I know I’ve gotta let you go, but I don’t wanna be alone_

               “Alistair?” He felt her turning in his arms and raised his head from the pillow to look at her. He expected her to ask what was going on, but instead she put her arms over his and kissed him lightly on the forehead and the cheek and the lips.

                “I can’t let you go, Kali.” He said, kissing her again as he pulled her closer to him.

                “I know.”

                “I want it to be like this forever, just you and me.”

                “So do I,but…”

                “I know. Ferelden awaits its heroes.” He said. She looked just as crestfallen and heartbroken as he felt. “I’ll hold you tomorrow. I swear it.”

_These dreams of you keep on growing stronger_

_It ain’t a lot but it’s all I have_

_Nothing to do but keep sleeping longer_

_Don’t wanna stop ‘cause I want you back_

                “I hope so. I really do, Ali.”

                “Just in case…” He said, resting his forehead against hers. “I’ll love you forever.”

                “I love you too. More than anything.”

_Don’t wake me ‘cause I don’t wanna leave this dream_

_Don’t wake my ‘cause I never seem to stay asleep enough_

_When it’s you I’m dreaming of I don’t wanna wake up_

_Don’t wake me we’re together just you and me_

_Don’t wake me ‘cause we’re happy like we used to be_

_I know I’ve gotta let you go but I don’t wanna be alone_


	4. The Best King I Can Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Dragon Age: Origins alternate ending #1. The third alternate version of the ending (Chapter 6) is the true ending.... I just wanted to play devil's advocate a little. Link Below:  
> www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aJUnltwsqs

**(4) Awake and Alive: The Best King I Can Be**

                Emerging onto the rooftop of Fort Drakon, Kalirosa Cousland felt as though she’d had the wind knocked out of her at the sight of the massive archdemon. In that moment, all the things she’d sworn the night before felt like nothing more than the foolish promises of a child. The archdemon towered before them, throwing the men of Denerim across the rooftop as though they were ragdolls. Her faith faltered and she wanted nothing more than to take the hands of her lover and flee – to the Free Marches or Antiva or Orlais.

_I’m at war with the world_

_And they try to pull me into the dark_

_I struggle to find my faith_

_As I’m slipping from your arms_

Kalirosa looked to either side of her – at her companions, ready for the battle and swallowed the lump in her throat. Her companions would die if she fled, and Alistair would never run with her. He was too noble. He was a King prepared to fight alongside his Queen. As she thought of the life that she and Alistair were losing, she doubted her decision to send Morrigan away, but shook it aside – finally prepared to give her life for Ferelden.

_It’s getting harder to stay awake_

_And my strength is fading fast_

_You breathe into me at last_

                “Wynne. I want you to stay as far away from the archdemon as possible. Engage it from a distance, but focus your efforts on healing the three of us. Alistair, I want you on the ground, lead the troops and engage the archdemon – I know you can take it. Zev,” She saw him smile at the use of his diminutive. “You’re gonna be the runner. Your main job is to serve as mine and Wynne’s main guard, but assist Alistair when he needs it. Got it?” Her three friends nodded. “I’ll be at the ballistas.” She paused for just a moment. It was less than five seconds but felt like the culmination of all the years they’d spent together. “I love you all. It’s been an honor.” And with those parting words the four friends and companions charged into battle, and Kalirosa watched her lover and fiancé, sword and shield in hand, charge the tainted god – his body aglow with templar magic.

…

_I’m awake, I’m alive_

_Now I know what I believe inside_

_Now it’s my time_

_I’ll do what I want ‘cause this is my life_

_(Here, right now)_

_Right here, right now_

_Stand my ground and never back down_

_I know what I believe inside_

_I’m awake, and I’m alive_

…

                Alistair had never felt more alive and more dead at the same time. He’d been hit so hard so many times that he should have been dead – but Wynne had been vigilant, never letting any of them become too seriously injured. Kalirosa was like a demon on the ballistas – as ruthless with the arrows as she was deadly with her blades when the darkspawn swarmed her. Now that the archdemon had retreated to a collapsed portion of the roof, Alistair busied himself with destroying wave after wave of darkspawn as they emerged – refusing to die until he’d sacrificed himself to kill the archdemon.

_I’m at war with the world_

_‘Cause I ain’t never gonna sell my soul_

_I’ve already made up my mind_

_No matter what, I can’t be bought or sold_

                A dozen or so rogue darkspawn uncloaked around him, and Alistair panicked, swinging his blade at them in turn, but she appeared at his side – her blades whirring around him so quickly that he could hardly see them.

                “Kali!”

                “I got your back.” She shouted, felling the last of the rogues with a whirlwind attack. “Back to the ballistas. Watch the archdemon, she looks kind of angry – it’s probably because of the arrows.” He tried to speak, but instead found himself speaking to the air as she cloaked herself and ran for the ballistas. To make jokes at a time like this – it was everything that made her the perfect friend and lover and the perfect Queen for Ferelden. She would be a beautiful and perfect ruler once he was gone – he’d ensured that the Ferelden would remain in her hands – not Anora’s.

_When my faith is getting weak_

_And I feel like giving in_

_You breathe into me again_

…

The darkspawn kept coming and coming even after the archdemon had reappeared beside them. The men of Denerim had all died in battle and the dwarf numbers were dwindling by the second. He’d been healed more times than he could count and it felt like they had been in battle for decades. He glanced toward Kalirosa every few seconds, checking on her to make sure there weren’t too many darkspawn around her. She’d lost two of the ballistas and he saw her pull her horn and summon the mages to the battle.

                “Give me a twenty-five foot perimeter!” He shouted to the twelve assembled mages. “I’ve got the keep the emissaries off me!” He held up his sword to illustrate his point – it was glowing faintly blue with his templar powers, and the last thing he wanted was for the mages to be rendered useless.

                “The King was a templar recruit!” He heard the senior enchanter yell. “Keep your distance and attack the archdemon with targeted spells only – we’ve got too many men on the ground for area-of-effect spells! We’ve all got to play our best cards and that’s what King Alistair is doing!” Alistair breathed a sigh of relief when he heard the Senior Enchanter’s encouragement. He never wanted the circle to think that he was against them. It front of him, the archdemon was howling in agony as Kalirosa hit with blow after blow from the nearest ballista. The darkspawn were mostly managed now – the mages handed the majority of them, but Alistair dealt with the darkspawn magic casters.

…

                The archdemon was weakening. With every prolonged howl, its ferocity grew and Alistair’s heart grew heavy. It was approaching – the moment of his death and he could hardly breathe from the lump in his throat. More and more, he found himself being rescued from a genlock by a well-placed fire or ice spell as he stared back at Kalirosa. He wanted to memorize every part of her – the way she moved, the ferocity of her determination. She thought she would be dying today, but she was wrong. His hands trembled as he sunk his sword over and over again into darkspawn. His templar talents started to wane as his body weakened from exhaustion and worry and sadness. Despite the orders of his warden commander, Alistair withdrew from direct combat with the archdemon and ran to her side – cutting down darkspawn as he ran. She stood beside the last remaining ballista and he stood back to back with her, fighting the darkspawn hordes as she fired the ballista over and over again with speed that only a rogue could have.

_I’m awake, I’m alive_

_Now I know what I believe inside_

_Now it’s my time_

_I’ll do what I want ‘cause this is my life_

                In her presence he felt his stamina returning and he called upon his templar talents again, neutralizing the emissaries that had encroached upon their perch. He remembered last night, when he’d watched her sleep. He’d memorized everything about her in those hours. He’d mourned for her and cried his tears and held her until all the bad things in the world were gone – if only for a while. They’d both known that it would come to this someday. He heard Kalirosa gasp and realized that the archdemon hadn’t gotten up. At first he thought it was dead – but she was still alive, and he knew that it wasn’t so. She stepped forward to go to it, but Alistair stood in front of her.

_(Here, right now)_

_Right here, right now_

_Stand my ground and never back down_

_I know what I believe inside_

_I’m awake, and I’m alive_

_Waking up, waking up_

_Waking up, waking up_

_Waking up, waking up_

_Waking up, waking up in the dark_

                “Wait. Let me.” He said, moving to stand in front of her. He knew she’d protest, but he refused to let her pass. “There’s no need for you to die. This is my duty. I should be the one to kill it.”

                “This is my duty as much as yours. We’re both Grey Wardens.” He could tell that they were both playing the same game – trying to claim something like superiority to get their way, but Alistair refused to back down.

                “But I got one up on you. I’m not just a Grey Warden, I’m the king, and I want to be a good king. And this right here is the best king I could be, my first and last act being to stop the Blight before it really starts. No one could blame me for that, could they?” His resolve nearly broke when Kalirosa took a step closer to him.

                “That’s not the only reason and you know it.” He stepped closer and twirled his fingers in her bangs. “You’re right. I know how I feel about you. I won’t let you die, not when I can do something about it.”

                “No. I won’t let you die either, Alistair.” He sighed – watching the desperate sadness in his lover’s eyes as she pleaded with him to change his mind. He couldn’t live without her in his life—It had to be him.

                “You say that as if I’m giving you a choice.” He could resist it no longer, and leaned forward pulling her into one last, desperate kiss.

_I can feel you in my sleep_

_In your arms, I feel you breathe into me_

_Forever hold this heart that I will give to you_

_Forever I will live for you_

…

                Kalirosa felt the tears stinging in her eyes as Alistair pulled her into his arms and kissed her. She wanted to pull him away – to hide him away so she would never have to live in a world without him. He was too good – too noble to not sacrifice himself. She should have known. When he broke away from her and ran toward the archdemon, Kalirosa lunged for him, but felt Zevran’s firm grip on her arms, holding her back. In that moment, there was nothing. There were no encroaching darkspawn – no injured soldiers – nothing but the blinding light emanating from the blade plunged in the head of the archdemon. The light that engulfed her lover and king until it was if she were watching him meet the Maker. When the explosion rocked the tower, she was thrown back – landing on her back. She shot to her feet, rushing to the place where he’d fallen, but the only things that remained were a warden’s sword and Duncan’s shield. She took them in her hands, and knelt – crying there where he’d died as the darkspawn fled.

_I’m awake, I’m alive_

_Now I know what I believe inside_

_Now it’s my time_

_I’ll do what I want ‘cause this is my life_

_(Here, right now)_

_Right here, right now_

_Stand my ground and never back down_

_I know what I believe inside_

_I’m awake, and I’m alive_

_Waking up, waking up_

_Waking up, waking up_

_Waking up, waking up_

_Waking up, waking up_


	5. The Ultimate Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just to remind, this is Alternate Ending #2, the third one will be the true one. Link Below:  
> www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7sjrjiOYYQ

**(5) Lucy: The Ultimate Sacrifice**

                Alistair spun on the spot, watching as Kalirosa Cousland tore her blades through the last of the darkspawn at the gates of Denerim. The battle was only just beginning and he pulled his water container from his belt and took a long swig – trying to keep his strength up. His shoulder was sore from a solid hit to his shield from the towering ogre they’d just defeated. He would have to ask Wynne to look at it before they journeyed further into the city. He heard Riordan announcing that Kalirosa needed to pick two of her companions to come with them and crossed to stand by her side, but she looked at him and shook her head softly.

                “You’re not coming, Alistair.” He stared at her, completely awestruck. He was being left out of the battle again and this time, he was expected to let his Queen go into battle for him. “I’m bringing Zevran, Wynne and Oghren into battle.” Alistair continued staring at her, irked that she wouldn’t meet his gaze. He was being left out of the battle because of his status again.

                “And who will you have lead the men here at the gates?” Riordan asked

                “Their king will lead them. I would trust none other than Alistair.” She added, but she still wouldn’t look at him. Alistair watched as those going with began preparing themselves for the battle of a lifetime. One by one, he watched as her friends approached her, offering their encouragement and their goodbyes. Even her warhound, Warder, was there offering her a bark and whine. Finally, Alistair approached his love and sighed deeply.

                “So, I’m not going with you I see. Any particular reason?” She finally looked up at him, her eyes filled with a kind of melancholy Alistair had never seen there before.

                “You’re going to be king. You belong out here with your men.” She replied, her voice was small and he knew she was lying to him – trying to protect him from the truth that they both knew.

                “Where I belong is out there – with you as a Grey Warden.” He paused and took another step closer to her. “But there’s no use arguing about it, is there? We don’t have time and….” He couldn’t help but smile as he brushed her hair out of her face, dropping the pretense of anger. “You are a stubborn, stubborn woman.” He watched as she smiled a little before growing somber again.

                “You would done something foolish.” She said, her hands now resting on his shoulders as she looked up at him, tears glistening in her eyes.

                “Maybe.” He said, his hands moving to her waist to where he’d held her countless times before. “I guess we’ll never know, will we? I guess this is the last chance we’ll get before this is finished – one way or another.” Even as he spoke, he could hear his own voice cracking. He kept thinking back to the previous night when he’d held and loved her so desperately. He’d vowed to give his life for his Queen, but now she wasn’t letting him. He swallowed the rising lump in his throat before he spoke again. “Be careful in there.”

                “You and I both know how this ends.” Kalirosa replied, not allowing him his false words of comfort. He wanted to fall to his knees and beg her to stay, but he couldn’t. He had always known that someday it might come to this.

                “You’re right.” He replied, pulling her closer into his embrace. “I guess we do.” He could feel the tears searing their way down from his eyes. His soldiers weren’t far away, but Alistair didn’t care if they saw him crying as he said goodbye to her – they had all had the same moment before leaving their loved ones. “I won’t forget you.” He said, knowing his words were barely distinguishable through his broken voice. She was all tears too as she stared into his eyes. “Ever.” He looked away to break eye contact before it destroyed him, but quickly returned his gaze, still holding her close to him. “And I’ll make sure they don’t forget you either. I swear it.” He could resist no longer and he bent down to pull her into a searing kiss. If it were up to him, he knew he’d never let her go.

…

The moment that the flash of blue light had illuminated the battlefield, Alistair had known. He had tried to convince himself that it had been Riordan who’d killed the archdemon, but he had known it was her. It was as if a piece of his soul had been shattered – he’d felt her leave this world, and it was like an explosion within his very soul.

Now, after the battle, he stood before her lifeless body, in the regalia of a king, without a queen to stand beside him. The rule of Ferelden was a burden he would bear alone – without his sweet Kalirosa beside him. His heart broke all over again as he remembered the night he’d thought about his regrets. He had a new regret now. He should have been there with her.

“My friends, we are gathered here to pay our respects to the Grey Warden that saved us all. She gave her life to destroy the blight – a sacrifice we must never forget. It was no accident that she was there either. She was special, and each of us had our life touched by her in some way. I—” Despite his best efforts, Alistair had to pause as his voice broke. Looking down at her he was reminded that the life was gone from her. He missed her too much to comprehend. Tears pooled in his eyes and he felt the lump rising in his throat as he spoke again. “I thought we would be together forever.” He gave himself a moment to look at her again before returning his gaze to the gathered mourners and continuing his eulogy. At the end, he looked down at her again, the tears finally making their way down his face to land on the marble slab beside her.

_Hey Lucy, I remember your name_

_I left a dozen roses on your grave today_

_I’m in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away_

_I just came to talk for a while, got some things I need to say_

“You will be missed.” He said quietly to her alone. He reached out and took her hand. “More than I can possibly say.”

…

                Alone in his room that night Alistair stared at the ceiling, tears gathering on his pillow as he cried. Beneath the chantry his Kalirosa’s body laid as she slept and cried, but she could find comfort at the Maker’s side – he could not find comfort in anything in a world in which she was absent. He wanted to go to sleep and wake up with her in his arms again – he would have given anything to hold her again and see her beautiful eyes – alive with the kindness and mischief he’d always seen there.

_Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her_

_I’d give up all the world to see_

_That little piece of Heaven looking back at me_

                They’d all been to see him: Arl Eamon, Wynne and even Oghren and Zevran but he’d turned them all away. The only company he kept was Warder – her sweet little dog who seemed as torn apart as he was about her death. The dog rarely left Alistair’s side and he knew that in its grief it had imprinted to the person who’d been the closest to its master. Warder lay beside him now, whimpering softly in his sleep. Alistair envied his sleep – he was sure he’d never sleep again.

_Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her_

_I’ve gotta live with the choices I made_

_And I can’t live with myself today_

                He remembered the last time they’d seen one another at the gates. He’d said goodbye – had known what was coming. He wished he’d insisted on going with her – demanding that she obey her king and allow him to sacrifice himself for Ferelden. She would have laughed at such a demand, but he should have made it anyway. As he drew his arm over his face, blocking out the candle light, he resigned himself to the knowledge that it was too late now and there was nothing left for him to do.

_Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday_

_They said it’d bring some closure to say your name_

_I know I’d do it all different if I had the chance_

_But all I got are these roses to give_

_And they can’t make me make amends_

                When Alistair finally drifted to sleep hours and hours later his dreams were filled with her – consumed with the memory of her free spirit and easy laugh. He held her all night there in the place where she was. He knew it was all an illusion – nothing but the tricks of a broken heart and a desperate mind, but he clung to it like it was all he’d ever have.

_Here we are, now you’re in my arms_

_I never wanted anything so bad_

_Here we are for a brand new start_

_Living the life that we could’ve had_

                At dawn he woke from his euphoric dreams, but it was with a new knowledge. She was with the Maker and Andraste and they had sent him an evenings’ worth of comfort. They had reminded him that there would be a time would he and his Queen would be together forever – a time when they would never have to say goodbye again. Five years with the Taint meant that Alistair had a little over twenty left to make a difference in the world before he was allowed to hold her again.

_Me and Lucy walking hand in hand_

_Me and Lucy never wanna end_

_Just another moment in your eyes_

_I’ll see you in another life in Heaven_

_Where we never say goodbye_

                No matter how hard it was to learn to live with himself and the things he’d done, he knew he would do it. For her. For them. For the Wardens and Ferelden and all the other couples like them who would give anything for one another – even the ultimate sacrifice.

_Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her_

_I’d give up all the world to see_

_That little piece of Heaven looking back at me_

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her_  
I've gotta live with the choices I made  
And I can't live with myself today  
  
Here we are, now you're in my arms  
Here we are for a brand new start  
I’ve gotta live with the choices I've made  
And I can't live with myself today  
  
Me and Lucy walking hand in hand  
Me and Lucy never wanna end  
I've got to live with the choices I've made  
And I can't live with myself today  
  
Hey Lucy, I remember your name

 


	6. Different Paths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Phew* Glad to move past all the sad alternate endings and get to the real one. Link:  
> www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vtrZQgG1uA

**(6) Those Nights: Different Paths**

                Kalirosa Theirin sat on the edge of her bed and stared down at the ring on her left hand. One would have expected the Queen on Ferelden to have a lavish and beautiful ring, but hers was a small, amber-colored stone. It looked as though it had been worn down over the years like a worry token and it was old – very old. Kalirosa loved the ring because Alistair had given it to her. It had been his for as long as he could remember and he had attributed his survival to it for many years, but he had given it to her as a wedding ring.

                Now, Kalirosa pined for her husband. Two weeks apart felt more like twenty years to the new Queen. She was at Vigil’s Keep – reorganizing the Wardens as their new Warden-Commander and her king was settling affairs in the Bannorn – both were maintaining their reputations as fighters as they attempted to stabilize their kingdom.

                At times like this, however, Kalirosa’s reputation and the Wardens meant much less to her than her family. She remembered when they were preparing for the war to end the Blight. At camp, she and her friends had been a family – gathered around the fire for meals and to tell stories and relive their adventures. Morrigan had always been suspiciously absent, but Alistair had always been there laughing with her until one of them spit up their ale. There had always been time for laughing – even with the demons at their door.

_I remember when_

_We used to laugh_

_About nothing at all_

_It was better than going mad_

_From trying to solve all the problems we’re going through_

_Forget ‘em all_

_Cause on those night we would stand and never fall_

_Together we faced it all_

_Remember when we’d_

                There had always been some task ahead – some demon to slay or some darkspawn to kill, but laughing around the campfire with Alistair, Zevran, Leliana, Wynne and Oghren had made her forget all the bad things. Those nights weren’t about planning or strategizing – they were about remembering that they were alive and that they had each other – no matter what.

_Stay up late and we’d talk all night_

_In a dark room lit by the TV light_

_Through all the hard times in my life_

_Those nights kept me alive_

_We’d listen to the radio play all night_

_Didn’t want to go home to another fight_

_Through all the hard times in my life_

_Those nights kept me alive_

                Laying back on her bed, Kalirosa spun the ring around her finger in little circles as she stared up at the canopy above her. The Keep was beautiful – but her nights were empty without her Alistair. He had been so sweet and shy from the first. He’d given her a rose once, which would have been a lovely enough gesture without his story about how she was like the rose – a beautiful jewel amongst all the bad things in the world. And when they laid together, it was as if there was nothing else in the world but them. He’d been her everything and he’d drawn her in with every kiss and touch and gasp until she’d known that she’d be ruined without him. She’d known she’d loved him then.

_I remember when_

_We used to drive_

_Anywhere but here_

_As long as we’d forget our lives_

_We were so young and confused that we didn’t know_

                Now, she missed him. She missed his touch and his kisses and his jokes. She missed the way he always made her laugh. Anders was always fun to be around, but it wasn’t the same as having Alistair around because no one was like Alistair. There was no sense of camaraderie that she’d felt amongst her friends – she felt as though she hardly knew the Wardens and they didn’t sit around and tell stories like she and the others had.

_To laugh or cry_

_Those night were hours_

_They will live and never die_

_Together we’d stand forever_

_Remember when we’d_

                Kalirosa closed her eyes, willing herself to sleep – to dream of a time when death was at her door – a time when she’d found her family again.

…

                Alistair sat on a log in the middle of the night staring around the dark forests of the Bannorn. With one hand, he held the pummel of his sword where it leaned against the log beside him and with the other he absentmindedly toyed with the pendants that hung from a thin silver chain about his neck – three charms that represented the three most important things to him. The first charm was a locket with the image of Andraste upon it – a gift from his late mother that had been repaired by his uncle, the Arl of Redcliff. The second was his Wardens’ Oath – given to him by Duncan after his Joining because king or not, Alistair knew he’d always be a Grey Warden first. The third charm was a second Wardens’ Oath – this one a gift from Kalirosa – a piece of jewelry that was precious to her and so a befitting piece to exchange. Alistair and his Queen had decided to forego the usual exchanging of rings in favor of a less traditional route; they had exchanged meaningful emblems. He’d given her his runic token and she’d given him her Wardens’ Oath and he cherished the constant reminder of her – especially now when duty forced them apart.

_Stay up late and we’d talk all night_

_In a dark room lit by the TV light_

_Through all the hard times in my life_

_Those nights kept me alive_

                The clearing he sat in had once been a camp for a two Grey Wardens and their eclectic entourage. He could still see the two firepits and the places where they’d set up tents. Alistair smiled as he remembered that this had been where they’d first lain together – just north of Redcliff as they’d made their way to the town of Hatch. He’d been consumed by thoughts of her and completely unable to resist her any longer. Templar or not, he was still a man. She was so far away now and he couldn’t wait to see her beautiful face again.

_We’d listen to the radio play all night_

_Didn’t want to go home to another fight_

_Through all the hard times in my life_

_Those nights kept me alive_

                He’d almost lost her once – it was a memory that haunted him to this day. He’d done what he’d done with Morrigan to save Kalirosa’s life and even though it had been – uncomfortable to say the least, he’d never regretted it. Her eyes and her smile gave him hope in a world where nothing felt certain or true or right. She was a rose amongst the darkness and he would never stop loving her.    Inside he’d always known that theirs was a romance that would end in disaster, but Alistair didn’t care – he’d never really cared.

_Those nights belong to us_

_There’s nothing wrong with us_

                He missed her. He missed his wife and lover. He missed her touch and her voice. He knew they’d be together soon – even if he had to drag her back to Court. He smiled as he imagined her response to that – she didn’t like the gentle life of a royal and more than he did and he couldn’t blame her for wanting to continue saving the world from darkspawn.

                With a great sigh, Alistair stood and slid his sword back into its sheath as he turned and wandered back to the camp. His soldiers were there and they would panic soon if the king wasn’t there when they woke. Damn banns had to be put in their place so Alistair could go home to his Kali – they had to produce an heir after all – there was work to be done.  

_I remember when_

_We used to laugh_

_And now I wish those night would last_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was the last chapter before we transition to couple #2, Anders and Hawke. The story will return to Alistair and Kalirosa in the end though!


	7. Rightfully Unrequited Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter for Anders and Hawke. Enjoy!  
> www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBQYrkIEqrw

**(7) Dead Inside: Rightfully Unrequited Love**

                Alone in his room in the back of the clinic, Anders starred up at the stone ceiling. The Undercity was really a catacomb of tunnels and the rooms were caves –it was the fate of the poor and the refugees from Ferelden. Tonight, however, as he lay awake for hours, he was not thinking about his patients or even the plight of the Kirkwall mages – tonight he thought of her. Late at night his thoughts were always consumed with her, the beautiful and deadly Fereldan who was making a difference in a broken city. His thoughts were consumed with the woman who he wanted more than anything.

_To find this love of mine_

_I’d walk through wind and fire_

_Forever and always_

                Cassyndra Hawke was completely perfect and priceless. If he closed his eyes he could imagine her dark curtain of hair and light skin. The tattoos over her eyes only added to the dark and mysterious part of her nature and Anders loved it. In his mind, he imagined a simpler world where he was holding her close to him, kissing her, making love to her – but it was just a dream.

_Hollow hands reach out_

_For you to touch me now_

_Forever and always_

                For the thousandth time that night, Anders tried to shake her from his thoughts. There was no simpler world and he knew that things like love and family were beyond him now. Justice would always be an uncompromising part of him and that would never change now. He shuddered at how empty and dead he felt inside since he and Justice had come together. Being around Hawke brought out something in Anders that he had hardly felt in years – he felt alive again. In her presence, he was acutely aware of his heartbeat – of the feeling of the blood in his veins.

_Dead inside_

_My heart and soul flatlines_

_Put your mouth on mine_

_And bring me back to life_

_Dead inside_

_No other satisfies_

_My blood runs dry_

_Take my life_

_Save me from this death inside_

                What would he give to hold her – just once? He shuddered at the thought of what his love would do to her. She was not a mage – she was not an apostate or an abomination like him. He couldn’t let her be in that kind of danger. He’d meant it when he’d said that to save her, he would drown them all in blood. It would defy everything he believed in and Justice would have a tantrum, but Anders knew he would do it for her – not that he thought he’d ever need to. She fought like an archdemon and his mana rarely ran out, but that was not the point. He loved her desperately – but he knew his love had to remain unrequited. She didn’t seem to want him to stay away though. She flirted with him rather unabashedly and he found himself returning in kind – calling her Love and Sweetheart like he was entitled to believe that he could be with her.

_I can’t escape this love_

_I want it the way it was_

_Forever and always_

_Don’t you leave me here_

_Alone in all this fear_

_Forever and always_

                What had he been like before Justice? Could he even remember? He’d asked the Warden Commander and Queen, Kalirosa Theirin, once right after he’d left the Wardens. He’d stayed at the palace with her and Alistair for a few weeks but by then he’d been with Justice for nearly two years – Vengeance had already become a part of them. She tried to tell him he wasn’t that different, but he knew better. He used to be carefree and funny and flirty. That was what he missed most – making people laugh and appreciating beautiful women – having beautiful women. Justice thought them all nothing more than distractions.

_I can’t escape this love_

_I want it the way it was_

_You remind me of a time_

_When I felt alive_

                Now, Justice and Vengeance had a firmer hold than he did much of the time. Vengeance whispered to him and Justice like a demon in the Fade, convincing them of things that both knew weren’t true but were powerless to resist. It was like watching his own life through a distorted window. Nothing ever looked the same to the three people in Anders and they would never agree. There was only one person in the whole world who gave him hope – Hawke was like the one shining light in his life and he couldn’t let her go. It was startling and beautiful and simple how much light she brought into a room just by entering it. Maybe she would be the one to save him from himself and bring him back to life.

_Dead inside_

_My heart and soul flatline_

_Put your mouth on mine_

_And bring me back to life_

                He was stuck in this love – he knew he would cling to her for the rest of his life even if his love remained… rightfully unrequited. He would never pull her into his personal chaos, but he would never let her go either.

                Anders sat up in his bed and began pacing the little room, pushing back Vengeance and his reminders of mages and Templars as he thought of her. Her presence – even thoughts of her were enough to silence Vengeance because, quite simply, there was no fault that the spirit could find in her. She reminded Anders of a simpler time when escaping from the Circle was less a survival and more of a game. He remembered a time when he could sweep women off their feet and leave a bar in stitches. He felt so much like himself when she was there – like there was so much hope to be normal again, but it was temporary and when she left he was left alone with the spirits again and the revenge and the plotting. There was no end to it.

_Dead inside_

_No other satisfies_

_My blood runs dry_

_Take my life_

_Save me from this death inside_

                Maybe this was all he’d ever be now. He would spend the remainder of his life a tireless renegade –fighting for a life he’d never have and clinging to a fantasy when living became too much for him to bear. Eventually, he’d die a martyr to inspire the mages to seek their freedom. Justice would have it no other way.

_My blood runs dry_

_Take my life_

_Save me from this death inside_


	8. The Demon Vengeance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you know Skillet, you saw this song coming.  
> www.youtube.com/watch?v=z06LXZQwkrc

**(8) Monster – The Demon Vengeance**

                Anders knew that he shouldn’t have come here. Yes, the ‘tranquil solution’ had to be stopped, but he should have sent Hawke and stayed in his clinic where he wouldn’t have to see the abuses of the templars first hand. Watching that bastard threaten the young mage was too much and he knew it would tear him apart – turn him into something uncontrollable.

_The secret side of me, I never let you see_

_I keep it caged but I can’t control it_

_So stay away from me, the beast is ugly_

_I feel the rage and I just can’t hold it._

The rage inside Anders was like a fire – consuming him until all that was left was Justice. How dare the templars treat a mage like that! What gave them the right to threaten and manipulate young apprentices? What would they have done to her if he and Hawke hadn’t arrived? He felt his skin cracking with lyrium as he thought of it – the templars had to die right now.

_It’s scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls_

_It comes awake and I can’t control it_

_Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head_

_Why won’t somebody come and save me from this, make it end_

                He could feel himself slipping away from the battlefield – his will beginning to drift in the Fade as Vengeance took over. He knew no mercy and as hard as Anders tried to restrain the Fade spirit, he still felt his healing magic waning as Vengeance took over, setting the templars ablaze with his magic – with Anders’ magic. Anders slipped and slipped until he was nothing more than a passenger in his own body, watching the destruction being unleashed around him and he begged for it to stop.

_I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin_

_I must confess that I feel like a monster_

_I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun_

_I must confess that I fell like a monster_

                “They will die! I will have every last templar for these abuses!” Anders heard Justice’s voice over his own. He knew that they were all dead, but he couldn’t reign in Justice – the spirit was hungry for retribution and he would not be stopped.

_I, I feel like a monster_

_I, I feel like a monster_

                “It’s over, Anders. They’re all dead.” He could hear Hawke over the rage inside him, but he couldn’t stop the rage.

                “Every one of them will feel Justice’s burn.”

                “Get away from me, Demon!” The mage was scared – Anders knew she was strong – to fight openly against one as strong as Justice, but Vengeance didn’t care. The Fade spirit did not like being called a demon despite that being the best description of what he had become.

                “I am no demon! Are you one of them, that you would call me such?” Inside, Anders was screaming. He was fighting to pull Justice away. There was blood – so much blood and he couldn’t see anything past the destruction that surrounded him.

_My secret side I keep hid under lock and key_

_I keep it caged but I can’t control it_

_‘Cause if I let him out he’ll tear me up, break me down_

_Why won’t somebody come and save me from this, make it end_

                “Anders, that girl is a mage.” Anders could hear Hawke’s calm voice trying to reason with the spirit – with him. “We rescued her from being made Tranquil.”

                “She is theirs! I can feel their hold on her!” Though his words were Justice’s, inside Anders was pleading for the spirit to stop – to spare the girl.

                “She’s the reason you’re fighting, Anders. Don’t turn on her now!”

                “Please, messere.”

Finally, something snapped in Anders and his screaming grew louder as Justice raised his hands to kill the mage. He could feel it – the control just within his grasp and he pulled and pushed until he felt his hands lower and come back within his control. As he fell to his knees, he saw the young mage run from the tunnels into Darktown as Hawke approached him.

_I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin_

_I must confess that I feel like a monster_

_I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun_

_I must confess that I feel like a monster_

_I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin_

_I must confess that I feel like a monster_

_I, I feel like a monster_

_I , I feel like a monster_

“Maker, no. I almost… If you weren’t here…” Hawke shouldn’t have been approaching him. She should have been running with the girl, but she reached out and helped him up instead. He shook his head, pulling his hand away from her – too ashamed of his actions to allow himself the pleasure of her touch. “I-I need to get out of here.”

He ran to his clinic – it was the only place in all of Kirkwall that was his and it was the only place he could go. Their joining had been a mistake – he’d been too angry – he’d killed his best friend and now together they were killing others. How many innocent lives would be lost before there was peace? What if his next victim was Hawke? What if he attacked her? Maker, he couldn’t imagine it.

_It’s hiding in the dark; its teeth are razor sharp_

_There’s no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart_

_No one can hear me scream; maybe it’s just a dream_

_Maybe it’s inside of me, stop this monster_

In his own rage, Anders pushed over one of his examination table and leaned against the pillar, sliding to the floor and resting his head in his hands. Hawke would be here soon – of course she’d want to check on him. How could he even look at her after what he’d nearly done? This monster inside him was consuming him until he was nothing more than Justice and Vengeance – a ghost of the mage he once was.

_I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin_

_I must confess that I feel like a monster_

_I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun_

_I must confess that I feel like a monster_

_I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin_

_I must confess that I feel like a monsnter_

_I’ve gotta lose control, do something radical_

_I must confess that I feel like a monster_

When would Justice emerge again? Would he be able to stop him from committing an even worse atrocity than the one he had almost committed? His mind strayed to Cassyndra Hawke – to her beauty and her kindness. Her voice had pulled him in from the abyss and given him his hold in this world again. He was a monster. He didn’t deserve her – he didn’t even deserve to think about her. She deserved more.

_I, I feel like a monster_

_I, I feel like a monster_

_I, I feel like a monster_

_I, I feel like a monster_


	9. When Love is No Longer a Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter that inspired the entire story awaits.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omuYo49_SOQ

**(9) Whispers in the Dark: When Love is No Longer a Game**

                “You’re here! I wasn’t sure you would come.” Hawke said, turning as she heard his footsteps in the hall.

                “Justice does not approve of my obsession with you.” Anders replied, showing her a lopsided smile that made her feel weak. “He believes you are a distraction. It is one of the few things on which he and I disagree.” She bit her lip as she watched him approach her, his eyes dark with want.

                “If you hadn’t come, I’d be out looking for you.” Hawke replied. Inwardly, she was terrified that he would reject her again as he had so many times before, but his gaze never left hers – even as his expression became more serious.

                “When I was in the circle, love was only a game.” The smile was gone now, but she could see a spark in his eyes that drew her in and fascinated her. “It gave the Templars power if there was something you couldn’t stand to lose. It would kill me to lose you.” He looked away then, his gaze dropping to the floorboards.

_Despite the lies that you’re making_

_Your love is mine for the taking._

_My love is just waiting_

_To turn your tears to roses._

                “You aren’t going to lose me.” She replied, taking another step closer to the mage as he raised his gaze to look into her eyes again. They were standing so close that she could see each fleck of color in his deep brown eyes.

                “No mage I know has ever dared to fall in love.” His voice was gentler now as he brushed her hair away from her face. “This is the rule I will most cherish breaking.” When he leaned forward and kissed her, Hawke felt it again – the same fierce desire and urgent longing she had felt when he’d kissed her in the clinic. It was as though a fire had been kindled within her – and she longed for him like water. As she pulled him toward the bed, his expression revealed his excitement mingled with nervousness and she knew that up until this moment, love truly had been a game to him. She loved that it would be together that they would learn what love truly meant.

_I will be the one that’s gonna hold you_

_I will be the one that you run to_

_My love is a burning, consuming fire._

                He leaned over her as she fell back on the bed, and drew her in again with his kisses. They were gentle at first, like the kiss by the fire, but quickly growing in passion and intensity. She fumbled with the fastenings on his renegade coat before pushing it off his shoulders. As he shrugged his arms out of it and let it fall to the ground, she ran her hands down his chest, marveling at the body he’d earned from years of running from Templars and fighting for his life. She could see the faint lines of the taint where it had darkened his veins and feel the magic that coursed through his body. There was a humming beneath his skin – she could feel it like static electricity across her fingertips. She must have stared at him for some time – entranced by his body and the feel of his magic because he sat back and smiled at her again.

                “It’s the taint.” He whispered, tracing one of his own darkened veins. “Does it bother you?” Hawke shook her head and pulled him back down into another kiss, never allowing her fingers to leave his skin less she forget the feel of this magic as it soaked into her. He was like a drug to her now – the feel of his skin was even more intoxicating than his kisses, and she was sure that the combination would be the death of her.

_No, you’ll never be alone_

_When darkness comes_

_I’ll light the night with stars_

_Hear the whispers in the dark._

She lifted her arms as Anders pulled her shirt over her head and ran his hands down her sides. His touch was like heat lightning – a shock of magic that sent shivers down her spine and she gasped as he took her by the waist. She felt like she was intoxicated and she must have looked it too, because he sat up and cocked his head to the side as he looked down at her. She didn’t think she had any words in her, so she took one of his hands and brought it up to her lips to kiss his fingertips. His fingers were aglow with the magic and she turned his hand to show him.

“I had a feeling that was happening.” He admitted, looking slightly abashed – as though he was afraid she’d toss him at any moment. “I can’t reign in my magic when I’m with you.” He started to sit up, but Hawke caught him by the waist and drew him in for another kiss.

_No, you’ll never be alone_

_When darkness comes_

_You know I’m never far_

_Hear the whispers in the dark._

“I love it.” She whispered, kissing him again and again until their passion was renewed and building with every caress.

_~~~~~~~Whispers in the Dark~~~~~~~_

                “Who else could possibly love me as you do?” Hawke opened her eyes to look up at the mage, smiling. “Who could want me, magic and all?” She reached up and touched his face, watching as the faint glow left on his skin faded away.

                “Hopefully, no one else.” Her skin was still tingling from his magic, and she knew that the moment it stopped she would crave that feeling again. She stood and crossed to the fireplace, waiting for him to follow as she gazed into the fire. She turned as he approached.

                “I love you. I’ve been holding back from saying that. You should have a normal life – not be tied down to a fugitive with no future.” She could see the sadness in his eyes as he spoke. “But, I don’t ever want to leave you.”

_You feel so lonely and ragged_

_You lay here broken and naked_

_My love is just waiting_

_To clothe you in crimson roses_

                “Don’t ever leave.”

                “Do you mean that? Would you have me here, living with you? Would you tell the world – the knight-commander that you love an apostate and you will stand beside him?”

                “I want you right here.” Hawke said, unable to hide her smile as she watched Anders’ excitement grow at the possibility. “Until the day we die.”

_I will be the one that’s gonna find you_

_I will be the one that’s gonna guide you_

_My love is a burning, consuming fire_

                “For three years I have lain awake every night, aching for you. I’m still terrified that I’ll wake up.” As Anders pulled her swiftly into his arms again, Hawke was suddenly rather sure that she’d never be starved for the feel of his touch.

_No, you’ll never be alone_

_When darkness comes_

_I’ll light the night with stars_

_Hear the whispers in the dark_

_No, you’ll never be alone_

_When darkness comes_

_You know I’m never far_

_Hear the whispers in the dark._

 


End file.
